Chapter 5

Chapter 5

     During the psychology degree course I read Richard Wiseman’s book called ‘The Luck Factor’.  Most of it was statistical analysis.  It made me ask myself whether I am a ‘glass is half empty’ or ‘glass is half full’ kinda gal.  The obvious answer to that is – it’s half full as I didn’t have anything in it prior anyway.  I’ve always felt that I’ve been slightly lucky, whether it’s the power of chance or the luck of the draw.  The first thing I ever won was an album (KISS album) in a roller-skating competition and then a Chris Rea album in a phone up competition.

     I’d won a competition that allowed me to take Vonny to Disneyland in Paris.  Of course with Vonny being young I attempted to explain to her that these opportunities don’t come along every day.  She was rather oblivious though, went flying straight over her head.  The excitement of being in Disneyland was just all too much as she was just bursting with enthusiasm.  To see a beautiful young girl with a magnificent beaming smile was a brilliant experience as well as an adventure for us both as it was after all our family holiday.  It was a happy time without any stress or agro from anyone.  I also won tickets to Guilfest as well as tickets to go and see Jamelia at ‘Rise’ festival in London where we met Ken Livingston (who was Mayor of London).

     There has always been a ‘lucky’ element in my life.  I’ve been ‘lucky’ in some parts of my life but not in others.  Heaven forbid what the statistic book says about people with my background; my past was something that was used against me in court.

     Every little spec of abuse, neglect and the animosity that had been bestowed on me the statistic book apparently says that I would indeed turn out to be the same.   I found myself staring out of the window of the court room when Andy tried to have me arrested for kidnapping thinking ‘wow, shit does really follow you’.  What can I say, I trusted the guy.

     According to statistics I’m supposed to be a complete waster, hooked on crack or whatever comes my way.  Drugs to blank out everything and straight from my mother’s mouth ‘a loser’, ‘wouldn’t amount to much’, ‘not good enough’ and ‘black sheep’ (it took me a while to work what the last one meant because I’m white and I was very young when I first heard that expression).
     There were a few moments that year that I thought were rather amazing, like the ‘VIP’ trip to a Big Brother eviction.  It was rather insane.  I got to rock on up and head to the bar and have a couple of drinks before the live eviction.  We were then chaperoned to a segregated bit to watch Davina do her thing.  The rest of the crowd had been queuing outside the gates all day and only a few of them got in.  I spoke to Davina briefly.  I asked her if she could sign my daughter’s autograph book.  She replied “If I sign it for you that means I have to sign it for everyone else, sorry” and walked off - who needs fans anyway.

     Then I went to my very first movie premiere.  It was ‘Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer’.  It was held at Leicester Square and rather than being red carpet it was blue - so I guess that doesn’t count.  I invited a friend and as we walked into the entrance and started to stroll down the carpet my initial reaction was to race to the end.  As we did - we passed Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis and Ioan Gruffudd huddled in a little circle talking to the media.  At first I didn’t recognise them.  The main person that I wanted to lust after was Julian McMahon but unfortunately much to my disappointment he wasn’t there.  Both Laurence Fishburne and Julian McMahon attended the premiere in America and both of them are rather groupie worthy.  Along the blue carpet there were human statues that portrayed the silver surfer in the movie.  The media were on the left and fans were on the right. We went into the theatre where we were ushered along by security and had to go downstairs to the seating area in the theatre.  The attendant told us that we could go back out and go back down the carpet again, so we did.  We went out the back door and strolled past all the fans that resembled sardines.  They were all squished up against the fence in order to get a glimpse of the other celebrities that attended.

     This time I took my time about walking down the blue carpet.  I took a leisurely stroll.  We passed Jessica Alba again and this time I managed to get a good look as she was talking to the media.  Her dress was fabulous and she did look stunning.  Then I spotted Chris Evans and Ioan Gruffudd but by the time I’d spotted them I was ‘hovering’ and a security guard had started to usher us away like a farmer herding sheep.  So I teased him and began to move one foot at a time; very slowly while laughing.  It must’ve looked rather comical to those that saw the little side stepping performance.

     I’d been told previously that ‘normally’ at premiere’s the director and/or other actors get on stage and give a little speech about the movie before it starts however with this movie they just hit the ‘play’ button.  About twenty minutes into the movie I became incredibly bored and probably would’ve left if it hadn’t been for my guest.  I got up and went outside for a cigarette.  When I did I noticed that the fans were still there.  They were waiting patiently in order to just catch a glimpse of ‘famous people’.  Nobody knows who’s expected to turn up to these events.  I was just amazed with the sheer dedication of these people who were still literally squished up against the fence waiting for something/someone but not really knowing what or who. 

     The movie soon ended (I was rather relieved) and we made our way to the exit.  The fans were still there and by now the vehicles had been driven up to collect the ‘stars’.  As we walked behind the crowd there were two ladies that were in full ball gown dresses.  We asked them if they’d been to the premiere and they had.  They had won tickets from a magazine and were told that they’d also have entrance to the after-party however they were refused entry.  My guest wondered if whether they weren’t allowed to attend because of their size and the way that they were dressed.  If I had a ticket to an after-party that was heaving with glamorous people and champagne falling from the heavens but was refused entry - I would have no option but to throw a major tantrum.  I would just be so heartbroken.
     Shortly after that I went to the Metro Weekender festival – ‘VIP’ style.  It was a whole day of fabulous DJ’s and it was also ‘VIP’.  I’d never been into a ‘VIP’ section at a festival before and I didn’t really know what to expect.  I was really looking forward to seeing Roger Sanchez (as I’d missed his recent gig at Koko’s) along with Paul van Dyk, Sasha and Pete Tong.  When I got there I was amazed how the little ‘VIP’ section was laid out.  It was a Mahiki bar, set up like a little tropical beach.  It had a complimentary bar, a burger bar and private portaloos and a little viewing platform that was to the right of the stage.  There were journalists tapping away on their laptops and different artists would come and go.

     I’d arrived just in time to see Roger Sanchez which was great.  I was really pleased to be able to have a drink, a ciggy and dance away without getting elbowed in the face by other party revellers.  I had become rather intoxicated by about 2pm due to the fact that I wasn’t used to drinking during the day as well as not having very much to eat.  The sun was out, the music was banging and the people that were in the ‘VIP’ section were generally really friendly.  There was only one instance that a rather obnoxious female looked ‘down’ on me.  A new friend and I were playing on the football table and a lady came over and said that she wanted to take a photo there with a band as it ‘looked natural’.  I asked the lady that was posing to watch my drink - twice in fact.  She didn’t seem to pay any attention.  I wasn’t quite sure whether it was expected of us to stop playing our game however the girl that was playing against me insisted we kept playing - so we did.  As she left I asked her “Who are you?”, “Oh we’re the Shapeshifters” she replied in a ‘matter of fact’ way.  She then turned to the girl playing against me and said “I hope you win” and walked off.  I thought it was rather funny the way that the whole ‘natural’ looking thing was indeed forced.  The two guys that stood either side of her didn’t say a word and she thought that she was just the bee’s knees.
     ‘Who are you?’... How do you know who someone is if you don’t ask.  Perhaps if I had said ‘wow, you’re awesome!’ she would’ve said that she’d preferred me to win.  She came across as being offended because I didn’t know who she/they was/were so I asked.  Apart from that it was a fabulous day full of great music and great people.  It ended with Paul van Dyk.  I wasn’t really familiar with his music and his set turned out to the best ever finale to a fantastic day.
     I got complimentary tickets for the Fashion Fringe in Covent Garden as well as a free night in a hotel in Mayfair.  Fashion Fringe is the place where up and coming designers show case their work in front of the media, judges as well as a host of celebrities and influential people within the fashion world.  I didn’t know who the judges were but anything to do with fashion – I’m raising my hand.  I need an education - serious.  Vonny and I went along and I ended up eating pansies.  They had edible pansies in the cocktails.  They tasted like - flowers.  That was certainly an experience in itself.  We mingled, got fake eyelashes, got our nails painted and mingled some more.  There were a couple of ‘OMG!’ moments; Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Skin from Skunk Ananse and the ever so lovely Zandra Rhodes and her guest were there.  Shivon had her picture taken with Claudia Schiffer.  Vonny looked like a little dwarf beside Claudia and I just felt really short.  Zandra Rhodes was busy with a photographer.  While we stood by to see if we could get a picture I started talking to her guest.  When the opportunity arrived to take a picture with her I discovered that my camera had run out of battery.  Sod’s law.

     As we were leaving the pre-party building and heading over to the tent where the runway was, Zandra and her guest were standing by the exit.  I smiled at them both and then she asked me “Did you get your photo?” I said “No, I’ve run out of battery.”  She then went on to ask “Do you have a camera on your phone?”  Vonny’s phone had a camera so we posed and took a great picture using Vonny’s phone.  It never occurred to me to take a picture with a phone.   

     We wandered over to the tent to watch the show.  We got our seats (behind Louise Redknapp and a fashion guru) and shortly after that the flurry of flashes and murmuring drama erupted while Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Zandra Rhodes entered the building.  The media were situated at the back (at the end of the runway) and the show began.  The show was amazing.  The models were absolutely stunning and I was rather sad when it ended.  Vonny was in absolute awe.  She absolutely loved it and so did I.  She wasn’t aware who she met that day until afterwards. 

     I began to think about my ‘career’ and unfortunately when I was studying the intentionally added stress brought about by others meant that I could no longer complete it.  The psychology degree had to go by the by as it was just too expensive for me and with everything else going on at the time it wasn’t practical.  There was a kidnapping incident in the middle of my exams as well as a neighbour who was being verbally, physically and racially abusive.  So I began being self employed as a ladies vintage clothing dealer. 

     I’d got complimentary tickets to unsigned band awards thing in London where UB40 were playing.  Unfortunately I was too late to see UB40.  I got lost trying to find this well hidden venue.  I asked a few people on the street if they knew the location of the venue and a guy on a bike said that he knew where it was and would take me.  I felt a little bit suspicious at first.  He walked me and his bike to the place where the gig was.  It took about 15 minutes.  I offered to buy him a drink, he refused and biked away.  That was pretty amazing.  The ‘knight in shining armour’ does exist.  The ‘English Gentleman’, found lurking on a bike somewhere in London.

     Next was the launch of the Samsung F210 phone at Sketch in London.  The evening included a complimentary bar at Sketch, an exclusive performance by Girls Aloud and merchandise, a limousine to the venue, a night in the Westbury Hotel and also a brand spanking new Samsung F210 Purple mobile phone.  I had the same old mobile phone for the past several years.  I was thinking about getting a new one however it wasn’t a priority and simply couldn’t afford to get one.  I phoned Vonny’s dad to see if he could have her for the night as it was a school night.  He stopped and started as he said “I’ll let you know.”  So I phoned one of Vonny’s friend’s mums who said straight away “That’s no problem.”  Couldn’t believe my luck, it was the first time in a long time that I’d asked someone if they could look after Vonny for the night and they said ‘yes’ without major arguments.
     I was given a name and contact number and told to meet the public relations (PR) lady in the lobby of the Westbury at 5pm.  The next day Vonny went off to school and was going to be staying at her friends for the night which was exciting for her as it was a school night.  I had my overnight bag packed and ready to go; so off I went.

     The Hotel lobby was very nice.  There were a couple of photographers lingering around outside that seemed to be very chit chatty with the concierge.  To the left of the entrance was The Polo Bar and on the right was a waiting area.  The premises was of course oozing the ‘only for the members of the upper class society’ vibe, the ‘upper crust’ of society.  When I checked in at the Westbury they had me under a wrong name.  I phoned the contact number up and within twenty minutes I was checked in and eager to see what awaited me in the room.  I tottered off to the lift to become acquainted with my new room.  It was very nice on first impressions and I let out a small squeal of delight when I found the Molton Brown toiletries in the bathroom.

     On the table was a silver bag with purple ribbon with a letter saying ‘Congratulations you’re Winner’.  I opened the bag to find the brand spanking new Samsung F210 purple mobile phone along with a CD single signed by Girls Aloud.  I could make out Kimberley’s signature but none of the others as it was written in purple marker and the cover was purple so it made me squint a bit.  I couldn’t wait to play with the phone so I took it out of the box and began to charge it up.  I then had a nosey at the mini bar.  I opened the fridge, had a look, looked at the prices and instantly decided that there would be no way I would be tempted.  I flicked on the tele (which was still coming up as a different name to my own) and had a look through.  It was when I got to the ‘account’ section on the ‘view your bill’ that I realised that I’d been charged for something out of the mini-bar.  I only opened the door and I was charged!

     I phoned reception but couldn’t make heads or tails of what she was saying so I went down there to sort it out.  While I was patiently waiting a disgruntled customer was starting to get very irate about the room he was in and the noise directly opposite his bedroom.  Reception simply said “We’ll look into it for you.”  So he stomped off and then it was my turn.  It took a bit of sorting out and apparently they had to reset the mini-bar merely because I just did a simple thing like opening the fridge.  I went back up to my room and within five minutes had a knock at the door.  They wanted to check the fridge.
     After all the kafuffle I jumped in the shower and started to get ready to go and have a party.  I went downstairs and waited however there was some kind of delay and I ended up waiting for quite a while.  I sat in the chair just outside The Polo Bar and by this stage was becoming quite thirsty.  I had a look at the menu and everything was over £10.  I couldn’t resist anymore so ordered a glass of wine.  I sat and drank it quietly.  I was about half way through before the others had arrived.  I walked over to them with my glass of wine and introduced myself only to turn around and see a very panic-stricken waitress whom thought I had done a runner.  It made me laugh.  It’s the Westbury, world of the ‘upper-crust’, were seemingly paranoid about people leaving and ‘forgetting’ to pay the bar bill.  I called her over and if she could’ve ran she would’ve.  “Would you like the bill?” she said.  I said “Yes please.”  She came back with her tray and wallet.  I opened it up to find that a ‘service fee’ had already been put on to the bill making my £10 glass of wine an £11 one.  While this is no bother for the ‘normal’ people that frequent these premises, all I had on me was £10 and I didn’t plan on putting it on my room so I asked her to take the service fee off.
     I began talking to the other half a dozen people that were there, they included a girl that travelled all the way down from Manchester.  She had to make a riddle as to why she’d like to see Girls Aloud.  We all hadn’t realised that we’d actually get to meet Girls Aloud and one of the guys nearly wet himself when I told him. 

     We all got in the limo and the photographer from Samsung took some snaps of us sipping on glasses of champagne and off we went.  We had a touristy ride through London going into Westminster, past Big Ben etc for a good half an hour.  I didn’t have any idea where Sketch was and neither did anyone else that was in the limo.  I really did think it was a bit of a trek away.  It was when we drove past the Hotel we all realised that Sketch is only across the road from the Hotel.  

     We all got out of the limo and were chaperoned into Sketch.  I was starting to get a little bit giggly due the champagne and no food since breakfast.  Once we were inside I noticed that there was a bar up some stairs to the left and another part down some stairs in front of us.  We all got our wristbands on and were then ushered down the stairs into a back room and into another bar.  This, at first thought, was indeed the ‘VIP’ area.  I couldn’t help but smile as I noticed the complimentary cocktails lined up around the circular sunken bar.  The cocktail mixer’s head was by my knees, the bar was below us.  We sat down and waited patiently - unsure of what was happening next.  One of the ladies said “Hey, have you been to the toilet yet?” with an element of excitement in her voice, “it’s really weird, it’s upstairs, you got to go have a look.”  We went up the stairs and there they were – freaky loo’s.  It was like walking into a room that resembled a ‘hot set’ that was a mish mash of ‘Dr. Who’ and ‘Mork & Mindy’.  The attendants had pinafores on like back in the old days.  The lights were dimmed and the loos were pods.  I said to the lady “peeing in a pod, never done that before.”  They were big white egg shaped pods like ‘Mork’ used to transport himself to earth in. 

     By the time we went back down the stairs and got back into the ‘VIP’ area, Girls Aloud were already in there.  We both looked at each other as if to say ‘shit - shouldn’t of gone’.  Sam, Amanda and Brian from Big Brother were in there talking to Kimberley.  Nadine was talking to the people over where I was originally sitting.  Sarah and Nicola were busy mingling and talking away to other guests.  I didn’t see Cheryl anywhere at that point.  I walked over to my drink and said hello to Nadine.  She spoke in a very soft voice and I found it difficult to hear or understand her.  I think she found the same problem when speaking to me as I’d asked her if she’d got off her flight from LA that afternoon and she instantly replied “Yes”, followed by “I’m sorry, what was the question?”
     I thought I better leave it there and let other people talk to her.  As I leaned over to get my drink Nadine left and Sarah wandered over.  Within minutes of talking to Sarah I came to the conclusion that she must be the greatest chick to have at a party with ever.  She was well in the ‘party zone’.  She was really chatty and seemed like great fun.  She’d had a bit of grief from the media about her ‘Dr. Spock’ haircut as well as looking thin etc.  She looked in proportion to me.  I said that I’d taken my daughter and her friends to the recent gig at Wembley, she asked me what I thought of it, I said “It was fucking brilliant!”

     After talking to Sarah I tottered over to Nicola and the first thing she said to me was “Have you seen our new video?” I hadn’t and didn’t know what the new song was called.  Obviously I didn’t say that I didn’t have a clue; I just said “no.”  Nicola went on to say that I had my hair the same as what she did in their new video.  My hair was a bit of a mess.  There was no time to dry it properly after having a shower and when I put the GHD’s through it - it was making a hissing sound.  It’s not a good idea to straighten damp hair with GHD’s as it ends up all dry and coarse.  So I stopped straightening it and just braided the front.  Unfortunately by the time that I began talking to Nicola I was starting to babble and was well into ‘party mode’.  The sensible conversations had well and truly finished and I was very happy due to the amount of cocktails and champagne that I had consumed.

     It was time for the girls to go and get ready for the show.  As they were leaving I held my camera up in the air and got a shot of ‘Samanda’ grinning.  I saw Kimberley and Cheryl right at the end but by then they had to go so I didn’t get a chance to say hello.  

     We left the ‘VIP’ area and went into the next room where there were even more cocktails lined up just begging to be consumed.  The DJ was playing and the venue began to get busy as more and more people were coming in.  I went straight to the cocktails, the waiter smiled nicely and handed one to me.  I was sipping quite merrily away when a guy came up with the new phone on a little display board and asked “What do you think of the new Samsung F210?”  I could answer his question quite easily as I’d already charged the phone up and had a look at it.  I told him that it was a bit of a pain as when you want to take a photo you still have to open the whole thing up and get into the camera function first.  He got offended because I asked him if he was a model and somehow he assumed that I was implying that he was gay.  Apparently asking someone if they are a model is not a compliment.  Not all models are gay; obviously I didn’t say ‘are you a gay model?’, or ‘are you a model, is it true they’re all gay?’, or just ‘are you gay?’  He got quite stroppy and left.

     I saw the other people that were in the limo by the front of the stage so I wandered over and started mingling.  I spotted Sinitta just before the crowd started to build up.  I remember those days when Sinitta was one the singers that I’d listen to in my garage.  There was me - bopping away in my little concrete floored, corrugated iron roofed, draftee make-shift bedroom.  It was such a buzz to meet her.  She was there with her partner/friend and they were both really lovely.  We began chatting about the phone so I showed her mine and she was rather taken back because I had one and she didn’t. The show was about to start so I shimmied over to the middle to try and get a good spot.  It just so happened that I got stuck behind Brian from Big Brother and all I could see was his balding head.

     Girls Aloud came on and the show began.  A few songs later Brian had started to get a spot of bother from a seemingly hard core girl photographer who’d accused him of stealing her bag.  She was rather intoxicated and said that she’d been mugged in London the day before.  Dare I say that if I hadn’t of talked to her, Brian would’ve got ‘nutted’ or ended up with a broken nose.  He didn’t have any clue of how to talk to her.  He just instigates the kind of reaction that would instinctively cause the girl to get defensive and lash out.  I spoke to her for a bit and was rather relieved when she went and got some drinks, she came back though, which was a bit of a bummer.  The Girls Aloud show was awesome.  They did their thing, sang great and left shortly after they finished.

     I went over to the make shift bar where the cocktails were lined up and I felt rather privileged as the waiter handed me a drink as soon as I went up, especially when there were loads of people waiting. 

     After finishing my drink I ventured outside to have a cigarette.  I was really quite tipsy as well as incredibly giggly. All of a sudden there was a flurry of flashes and photographers shouting “Over here Danielle, over here.”  It was Danielle Lloyd along with a couple of other people.  It wasn’t long after that that the party-goers all began to disappear and the dance floor was emptying.  I stayed right to the end and danced as much as I could as I was having a great time.

     When the bar had closed I hung about for a little bit above the stairs so I could finish my drink.  As I did there were two ladies that were asked by a photographer to pose with the phone in front of the Samsung logo sheet - so they did.  The photographer went off somewhere and one of the ladies posing said that she liked the phone that she was holding.  I said to her “Just put it in your bag”, so she did.  The photographer came back and asked where the phone was and she bent down to her bag, got the phone out and said “Here it is.”  We started giggling about it as she could’ve got away with getting a brand new phone.  They were great fun.  I found out later it was Liz Cundy and Jacqueline Gold (Chief of Ann Summers).

     A few minutes later Danielle came back and I got a picture with her.  Gok Wan also posed with me which was great.  It was nearing the end of the night and we had started to get the marching orders from the door staff.  As I walked out into the cold - the same girl that had accused Brian of stealing her bag had started up on someone else and a couple of death stares and snarls were exchanged between them.  She was last seen screaming obscenities down the road.  It was such a novelty just wandering across the road to go to bed.
     The next morning I was rudely woken at 8am by the cleaner.  I forgot to put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on the door.  That was a painful experience.  First hotel I’ve stayed at where the cleaners enter the room so early in the morning.  Pretty soon I was headed home – back to reality with a thud.
     By this stage it began to occur to me that people either really don’t like the kind of adventures that I like.  Or perhaps it was just a case of jealousy – who knows.  Either way it was fun, people wanted to copy me.  So I stopped talking about what I’d been up to.  Just revert back to the old conversations like “What have you been up to?”, “Oh not much, cooking, cleaning, selling.”  I could see their smiles creep in as the thought of me being a depressed single parent suited the purpose of the conversation better.
     I didn’t tell anybody about the MTV award pre party tickets.  It was at the Bloomsbury Ballroom and music by the Gorillaz sound system.  I arrived to be greeted by Swedish hostesses that were dressed in the full kit and gave me a lovely glass of champagne.  Did a little bit of mingling and lord behold – there was my now ex-friend who copied me and fell out with me because I didn’t buy her a drink.

     I went and said hello anyway which was when Jack Tweedy came in so I had a little conversation with him instead.  I could only remember his first name and said “Oh you’re with Jade aren’t you?” he replied “Not now I’m not.”  After our brief discussion he went to his little ‘VIP’ area.  It was just a little corner of the room with a bit of rope sectioning it off.  Jade came in shortly afterwards.   A couple of the ‘Eastenders’ cast were there.  That night was the night that I witnessed the worst case of egotism and pratness.  Hannah Spearitt and her dickhead boyfriend were the prats.  They were there with the writer of the show ‘Primeval’.  She had her back leant up against the bar with both her elbows on the bar facing the rest of the room.  Her boyfriend was on one side and the writer on the other.  The writer was nice enough, but, I paid Hannah Spearitt a compliment as you do and her boyfriend actually got in my face and said “No-one talks to my girlfriend like that.”  I was a bit confused and the confused expression was very clear on my face.  He then backed down and said “Nevermind, forget it.”  I was even more confused – what a wanker.  I got my camera out and asked for a photo.  He was himming and harring about it I said “Oh no, I’ve run out of battery... nevermind” - quite sad of me but who cares.  I got a drink from the bar and went dancing. 

     The music was alright.  There was a bunch of us dancing the night away until a guy that said he was from MTV Germany and tried to ‘pull’ me, like... noooooo.
     Afterwards it was back to reality once more.  Being self employed does have its bonus’.  Although the downside is if you don’t work you don’t get paid.  Have to work twice as hard to make any money.  At that point it was difficult trying to sell tops for £3.99.  The buyers weren’t very patient and were very ‘bijiggity’ about next day delivery.  Some customers were asking for 79p back because the stamp on the parcel came up less than what they paid and if you didn’t comply in giving them a refund for postage and packaging costs they would threaten with ‘negative feedback’.
     Time went by and then out of the blue I had a phone call from Tracy saying that she’d got tickets to a ball in London but she didn’t know which one.  The only one I knew that was happening at that time was La Dolce Vita Ball in Battersea, London.  She phoned about half an hour later confirming that it was indeed the La Dolce Vita ball and the excitement rushed through me like a freight train.  Tracy was teasing me about staying at home wanting to watch ‘Eastenders’.  As if!  I was completely wrapped that she’d invited me as I’d never been to a ball before.  

     La Dolce Vita is a charity event that’s held every year and this particular one was to raise money for DebRA (national charity raising money for afflicted individuals and families of a genetic skin blistering condition called Epidermolysis Bullosa or ‘EB’ ), also full of ‘celebs’.
     We both agreed that we didn’t want to make like Cinderella and leave the ball at midnight in order to catch the last train home.  I phoned around and found a taxi company that charged £60 for the ride back to Hemel.  Cut the cost down the middle.  It’s pretty much the same as going out for dinner except this time it was going out for dinner and a party to boot.
     That evening we got dressed up although not in floor length dresses.  I had a look on the internet and judging from previous years the guests dress up but not always in ball gowns.  Which was good because I couldn’t imagine traipsing through London wearing a ball gown.

     We got to Euston then got the tube to Waterloo.  It was the first time that I got told off for smoking at Waterloo.  We were waiting at the taxi rank outside the station and I lit up a cigarette.  A guard came over and told me to move as I was standing under the canopy.  I just laughed and thought ‘no way!’

     Tracy stayed in the queue and I took my cigarette and myself over to the edge of the canopy and smoked there while giggling.  Other people thought it was rather amusing also as they were laughing with the odd comment “Out of the canopy please” in a piss-taking kind of way.

     Out of the whole evening the most annoying thing would’ve been the London cabs.  Not only did we wait for a good 45 minutes, it took 20 minutes and £20 later to get to the ball.  We made it to the park only to find that it was the wrong entrance.  While turning around to go to the other entrance a man stopped the cab to ask for directions. He said he was going to the ball also so we said he could jump in the cab with us.  He didn’t really know what it was all about as he’d only found out that afternoon that he was going.  It turned out that he was friends with Ian Wright.  When he got out of the cab at the venue he offered to pay.  Tracy said “That’s okay.”  He said “I’ll buy you a drink inside.”  We all laughed as we all knew that it was a complimentary bar. Well, at £750 pounds for a single ticket - it ought to be.
     The red carpet was there.  It was only a short one.  To the left of the entrance was the ‘smoking section’ which had tall tables and patio heaters and it was underneath a canopy.  We walked in and didn’t really have any clue where to go.  Inside the photographers were lined up on the right and behind them were the ladies and gents bathrooms as well as the cloakroom.  We preceded to hand our jackets in.  After we’d finished, we turned around to see Lady Victoria Hervey come strolling in and began posing in front of the paparazzi.  I can’t say that I was impressed with what she was wearing.  I still feel that she should’ve had a push up bra with fish fillets or something.  Her boobs looked unflattering and looked to be in the wrong place in the long clingy dress that she was wearing.  However - who am I to judge?  My green bra was trying to escape me throughout the evening.  I guess that makes us even.  I don’t have the title of ‘Lady’.  I am merely just a ‘civilian’.
     After the photographers had finished we walked over to the entrance.  There were two sexy Radical SR3 race cars that were just aching for the track.  While I was drooling over them I noticed a bizarre thing which was the fire extinguisher located right down by the pedals.  I imagine it’d be quite an effort trying to get to the extinguishers if the car happened to catch fire while you were in it.  Health and safety I presume.

     The entrance to the bar was rather magical.  The venue had fairy lights all over the ceiling so it resembled a star packed sky.  The bar was incredible.  At every corner of the rectangle bar were huge cylinders of cocktails that would be poured into glasses via a long tube (they were quite powerful as well). We mooched around and had a look at the ‘silent-auction’ tables.  Up for auction were bottles of drink signed by Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher and other people.  On another table were paintings by Pablo Picasso, Salvador Dali and other artists.
     When the time came to go to our tables there was an announcement “Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served” and with a loud bang the curtain that was blocking the dining area came down and revealed the most impressively dressed tables with the fairy light sky, truly fabulous.  We found our table which was located on the right side of the stage.  All tables had a magnum of Veuve Clicquot Champagne in an ice bucket, bottles of red and white wine, water and a huge ice sculpture in the centre of the table with a bottle of Belvedere Vodka sitting in it.  I thought to myself ‘so this is how you dress a table’.
     Around the edges of the seating area were dancers and impressionists.  The dancers I got told were from Stringfellows and the impressionists took the form of swans, peacocks and other animals of elegance.
     The people sitting with us seemed to be reluctant to touch the alcohol on the table so I got up out of my chair and lifted up the magnum of champagne.  I poured myself a glass and offered to pour a glass for the other guests.  I moaned and joked a little bit saying that the bottle is a bit heavy so one of the gents took it from me and poured everyone a drink.
     The entrée was served.  Michael Portillo got up on stage and welcomed everyone as well as gave his spiel on the genetic disorder then proceeded to introduce the entertainment.  Amici Forever were fantastic and I was awe of their performance, so was Tracy as she’d never really taken an interest in that style of music but had now been converted.  She was also impressed with the Chicago performance as again, she’d never had the opportunity to go to theatre so never expressed an interest; until now.  To finish off the evening entertainment there was a surprise performance by Kid Creole and the Coconuts.  We were talking and munching away quite merrily and generally having a wonderful evening.
     While I was having a cigarette I was talking to a gent whom was scared about spending money.  He’d said that he always seems to go ‘a bit nuts’ when it comes to auctions.  He can’t sleep in the marital bed for a week afterwards as his wife is intolerant regarding his overzealous attitude with bidding wars as he has to win.  As we went back in the auctions had begun.  The man that I was talking to had indeed ended up spending an obscene amount of money.  Both flabbergasted as my overdraft, visa bill and loan would be considered as ‘peanuts’ and something these people would seemingly spend quite happily on a new outfit or a night out clubbing.
     The dinner entertainment and auctions had come to an end and while everyone was waiting for Jamelia to perform it gave the crowd a chance to network.  The DJ began to play his set.  I asked the DJ if I could get a disc off him but forgot to go back and get it.          As we mingled I passed a Channel 4 news presenter and all I could say was “Hey, it’s the news guy.”  He smiled as I walked by.  Shortly after that I spotted Peter Stringfellow.  I walked over and asked if we could get our photo taken and he obliged so we posed.  He was shorter than what I thought he’d be.  As I was thanking his associate for taking the photo a guy walked over and said to him “Hey you look like a really old devil, can I get a photo.”  I couldn’t help but laugh and said “That’s really bad isn’t it.”  I didn’t mean to say it out loud.  Mr Stringfellow’s associate heard me and we both laughed.

     After our little spot of mingling we ventured outside for yet another cigarette.  This time Ross Kemp was outside.  He was acting like he was a ‘superstar’ and he had supposedly hired bodyguards to shield off the supposed ‘fans’.  I stayed at the table having my fix of nicotine while Tracy went over to ask for a photo.  She came back to the table rather pissed off as he’d refused to get his photo taken.  He’d told her to ‘piss off’ and he seemed to be off his face with no alcohol involved.  So not only is he rude and obnoxious, he was so far up his own backside that he can’t even smile and say cheese.  I guess there were just so many people there that were ‘beneath’ him at that function.  After all - it was only crammed full of celebrities, sports stars and public figures.
     Finally Jamelia got on stage and sang a couple of songs.  She wasn’t on for that long which was a little disappointing.  After Jamelia was a fabulous performance from Billy Ocean.  When they were on stage we were upstairs looking down onto the stage and the dance floor.  There weren’t that many people upstairs so we were both dancing the night away without a care in the world.

     I was rather sad when the ball finished.  We got our coats and waited for the taxi guy to ring me to let me know that he was waiting.  The trip home was hassle-free.

     We were still buzzing from the night before when Tracy discovered that we were sitting at the table with Princess Tamara Czartoryski-Bourbon.  Tracy was beside herself to find out that there was a Princess at our table.  We began debating over whether she was named after an alcoholic drink or a biscuit. We still haven’t decided.  Bernie Ecclestone was sat at the table beside us.
     Vonny and I went to India that year for New Year with Cox & Kings.  It was a tailor made holiday where you are escorted the whole way.  Everything is done for you and you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.  The thought of taking Vonny to India was quite nerve-wrecking.  I hadn’t had any urge to go there as Singapore and Bangkok was enough for me.  Personally, going backpacking there would just simply be out of the question.

     We were set to take a trip around the ‘Golden Triangle’ which is Delhi, Agra, and Jaipur.  Mammoth amounts of travel and a wealth of travel experience for Vonny.  I spoke to the travel agent about Vonny’s age.  She could go although very rarely do children go on these journeys.  They’re more for the discerning traveller who are nearing the lazy age.  I say lazy age as it is like someone is holding your hand along the way.  I went to the Indian Embassy in London and got the visas.  I got the travel insurance from the bank and some traveller’s cheques as I didn’t want to use my credit card out there.  We also had the injections/vaccinations.  It was nice to be away for New Years in a different country that I’d never been before, welcoming the New Year in with some new experiences.
      I booked a cab to the airport and a friend had offered to look after Dutch (pet dog) which was great.  We were on the plane en route to Delhi.  It was a mixture of emotions; excited, nervous and anxious.  I was asleep when we flew over the Himalayas.  Vonny woke me up as she was really impressed with the view from the air.  It was absolutely amazing.  To see the Caspian Sea from above - it really the brightest blue.  We flew over Afghanistan where it’s just all desert and mountains. 

     The best ever sunrise I have seen was flying into Fiji where we were literally chasing the sun.  The great ball of fire was glowing with yellow and orange and had a pinky tint.  I was hoping I could see a sunset on the way back to England.
     We arrived in Delhi.  The airport was under construction and it was hectic.  We went to the baggage claim, got our bags and then started looking for the sign that said ‘Cox & Kings’.  Once everyone arrived the group were led to the bus - which was the really funny part, especially when you try to ‘blend in’, it had ‘tourist’ written in big black bold writing on the side of the white bus.  It stands out like a flashing beacon that can be seen for miles. 

     Vonny and I just stared out the window of the bus in amazement.  We were taking in our surroundings like a sponge.  We took the ‘scenic route’ (if you can class it as being ‘scenic’) to the hotel.  We passed a dentist who was busy pulling someone’s tooth out at the side of the road.  We passed the ‘charity’ shop – where the clothes that people donate from other countries are sent.  They have to pay for them which I most miffed about.  We went through markets and ‘bizarre’s’ where livestock is kept in cages by the side of the road and car parts of all kinds are hung on the front of buildings (this is where the stolen cars are stripped and sold end up). There were women laying roads brick by brick and would sleep on the side of the road.  The bike taxis, the cows, the family motorbikes with five, six or seven people sitting on the back, the monkeys and of course the masses of people were all part of the hustle and bustle of India.  One thing that did surprise me was the pollution; it was just literally hanging in the sky.   

     We arrived at the lush hotel.  It had a huge swimming pool out the back so we dumped our stuff and went and sat by the pool.  It was a bit too cold for a swim but we spotted some gheko’s and chipmunks.  Chipmunks are cute little things, ‘it’s Alvin, Simon... Theodore... do do dodododoo’ I was singing.

     On the first day the group piled into the bus early for the full day tour of Delhi.  We overloaded on monuments, buildings, temples and palaces. The group was really nice and everyone in the group got on and Raj (our tour leader) even said that he was impressed with Vonny’s behaviour which was a very proud moment.  Shivon was taking it all in and had left the stroppiness at home which was very relieving.  Her mind was constantly busy.  She witnessed the poor, the very poor and the very very very poor and realised how lucky we both were.  

     Things could be very different indeed.  It’s the ‘luck of the draw’ of what country you’re born in.  From seeing a lady scoop up cow dung, pat it into circle like formations and put it on the roof to dry in order for it to be used as fuel (we think) to little girls and boys deformed and maimed in order to beg for a living.  It certainly could’ve been a whole lot different.  I was impressed with Shivon’s compassion.  The trip opened her eyes to life changing realisations.
     We were pretty much on the road most of the time.  There were many places to visit during our seven day tour of the ‘Golden Triangle’.  A couple of people got incredibly sick and the doctor had to be phoned.  Vonny and myself had a case of ‘food adjustment’ although not severe and tummy settlers were doing a pretty good job.  ‘Delhi Belly’ was uncomfortable but not life threatening.
     The time came to visit the Taj Mahal.  It’s one of the Seven Wonders of the World.  I was singing Stevie Nicks’ song ‘The Seven Wonders’ in my head.  Vonny didn’t really realise what all the fuss was about until this enormous white temple could be seen through a little walkway.  Every moment was a photo opportunity.  It had not long been cleaned so the gleaming whiteness was brighter and it was amazing.  We sat on the seat where Princess Diana once sat taking novelty photos and really just being in awe.

     Raj pointed out that there was a Primark store opening as well as Marks & Spencer and a Macdonald’s (the ‘Maharaja Mac’, aka: Big Mac) in close vicinity to the Taj Mahal so western style food was creeping in.  It didn’t matter what we saw after that nothing seemed to match the grandeur. Then again, another experience that we’ll never forget is the Elephant ride, or passing herds of camels or learning how to ‘Bollywood’ dance.
New Years was fabulous.  We danced the night away to Bollywood music and we both had a great time.  It was certainly a whole lot different to our normal New Year’s celebrations which normally involved me getting hammered and trying to get Vonny to dance like a lunatic.
     Our time in India had come to an end.  The airport was hectic as per normal.  We had a rather ridiculous amount of security checks while attempting to understand their love of stamps (everything got stamped).  We got searched in a makeshift room before heading into the departure lounge.  It felt as if we were coming into the country not heading out of it.  What felt like forever was only a short time and we were in the air heading back to the UK (while in India we heard that the UK was experiencing an extremely cold snap, -24 in some parts apparently, sure glad I missed that one).

     It was flying over Ukraine and Poland that we saw the most amazing sunset.  It was setting over what looked like ice shelves and the snow made it more intense than normal.  The fiery ball could be clearly seen with the multi-coloured rays filtering outward and reflecting off the snow.  Of course I had my sunnies on as it was a ‘full frontal’.